Change can be paralyzing…

I started this blog with the hope of writing two (ok, one!) entry a month during my sabbatical year. A little bit of writing and a little bit of resting seemed like a good balance. I did not want my inspirational juice to go dry or my readers to forget about me (less than one entry a month would have done that). Yet I also wanted to rest, which is what a sabbatical should be about (after all, the word implies an abstinence from work).

However, around February, my rhythm stopped. My world was a bit turned upside down by the possibility of “change,” and I went into “waiting” mode. That is why I have not been posting since. I am back now to fix that, in the midst of changing, which is happening all the time whether we want it or not.

To summarize what kept me away from my blog for around three months: I won’t bore you with details, let me just say that we considered the possibilities of new jobs and a cross-country move from north to south. Yes, the promise of sunny, warmer weather, warm fresh tortillas all year round, and close proximity to family and friends made it very tantalizing. Decisions needed to be made, and that was the hard part.

But what did I really want? Was a great opportunity knocking at my door and I was being too lazy to get up and open it? Or was the shimmering object further down the road just a mirage? I could not decide if “the grass is greener on the other side” was at the root of our temptation to pack and move, or if fear of change was the grounding reason to stay put. Of course, there were all the other more insignificant minor details of money and job security and what not. But at the root of my paralyzing indecision were not the details of the overall package, but the feeling of being out of control and making a mistake.

We all know the things we need to change to be healthier, to have a better day-to-day existence. We all could do with little changes in our lives. But why is it so hard to change our ways of being? Why do we resist it so much, even when we know the benefits it could bring?

Spring is the time of the year when everything in nature is changing. It is a time for regeneration and new beginnings. From my Qigong training I have learned that to be healthy I have to go with the flow and, most important, not go against the natural flow of what’s going on in nature. How was I to renew my spirit if I was feeling immobilized by the possibilities of change during the spring?

I think of myself as someone flexible, easy going, someone who likes to explore ideas, and who can change her mind easily if presented with good arguments. But what I think of myself, and what my nature truly is, are not necessarily in line with each other. My brother-in-law told me (well, told us: a room full of “accomplished” family members–whatever “accomplished” may mean) that we were all type A controlling freaks­: competitive, highly organized, ambitious, impatient . . . you get the idea. And maybe there is some truth to that. Being out of control, in a chaotic environment, not knowing what is going to happen next, is not something I feel comfortable with.

Life is chaotic, unpredictable, and again and again, it shows us that we are NOT in control. Control is just a myth; control is something we like to construct to ease the anxiety of not knowing. I have learned that the hard way. Yet, it is an ongoing lesson, to be learned again and again in my daily practice.

Changes are always happening, and if we go with the flow, we can experience changes as good, positive things. At least we can always, and I mean always, find a silver lining even in the hardest of situations.

While being confronted with my own energies and feelings of uncertainty I asked myself: what does it really mean to go with the flow and to be flexible like the seasonal Qi of Spring?

According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, spring is the season of the liver. Liver energy rises during the season, and if it does not flow easily, it can get stuck and create all sorts of health problems: from season allergies to menstrual issues for women, from headaches to emotional upheavals. It will also show in the digestive system, as the liver supports the stomach, but only if its energy moves smoothly.

At an emotional level, I know that I need to do something about my stress and anger in a proactive healthy way. For me, kicking and punching in my martial arts classes helps a lot–helps letting that energy move out of my body. Taking breaks from computers and electronics saves my liver energy and relieves a bunch of symptoms. Not trying to control my children (or my husband for that matter) and walking away when I need to, is another way to flow more freely. And practicing Qigong daily is a must; it is like plugging into an electrical outlet in the wall when I am running short of energy.

When I do all of that, accepting that everything is in constant flux, things become easier. And this also means that it becomes more manageable to not hold on to a preconceived idea of how things should be, how my children need to act, or even how things used to be. The Tao teaches us that there is not simply a “good way” and a “bad way,” just different ways…

Everybody needs to find what it is that gets energy flowing for them. And changing accordingly will only come easier once that energy starts flowing.

In the end, we decided to stay put in the north, not because we did not want to change, I am happy to report, but because we decided to listen to our hearts. It just came down to where we felt at home…at least for the time being.

 

Just keep swimming…

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So I will start my very first blog talking about how Dory and Marlin (yes, they are fictional fish characters of a Disney movie!) became sources of inspiration in my life. I know Disney pictures have a bad rap sometimes, but Finding Nemo and Finding Dory are two good movies to watch, if you like animation. Or just read along, and I will tell you why I am using these characters for today’s message.

Marlin is a single father with some scary experiences in his past (he lost his wife and other children due to sharks–let’s say they were murdered). So Marlin is stuck in that past and in his own fears. Raising a child (which is not an easy task for anybody, let alone single parents) and trying to keep his son (Nemo) safe, is what makes him so uptight about life in general and being safe all the time. It is only when his son disappears and he has to swim through an ocean of problems to find him that he is able to overcome parts of his past, his deepest fears, and move forward.

In the film’s sequel, you can see how he’s still true to his own worrying nature, and his inability to let go (which, by the way, will knock your stomach and liver energy out of balance, but more of that on another post). He always comes on strong at the end, conquering his own shortcomings. Don’t get me wrong, I do like him. He is a very nice and carrying father and friend. It just shows that it’s not easy to change. We all have a lot of Marlin in us. Well, I should speak for myself; I do have a lot of Marlin in me. I am also a caring mother, or try to be, whose children’s safety is very important, and for that I am a lot of times uptight and unable to relax around my kids. But that has been changing, as I practice Qigong and apply it to my daily life. Practice is an every moment, daily life commitment, not an hour a day exercise routine.

Dory, on the other hand, is playful and wise in what looks like a careless way. She is not careless. Her problem is that she has short-term memory, but that is also her bliss. Not remembering bad experiences saves her a lot of trouble about worrying all the time about what is going to happen. She is forced to constantly let go (something we should all practice on a regular basis); she is forced to live in the present moment, and her decisions about the immediate future are not based in her past experiences, but she approaches every situation as new, with wonder eyes and a little bit of innocence. However, there is a lot of wisdom in her.  Her head is faulty, so she listens to her heart. She is very brave despite having suffered a lot of trauma due to her condition. She is aware of that, but that does not stop her. Ever. I strive to be more like Dory every day, and although my nature is to be more like Marlin, I have learned that I need to keep swimming no matter what. 

So even if you have not watched these films, and even if you do not like Disney and Pixar animation, the message here is simple but hard to put into practice: daily life has to be faced with new eyes. We do not know the future, we only know the past. But the past is gone, so today is what matters. Like Master Oogway says, rephrasing what the Buddha taught, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” That’s from Kung Fu Panda, yes, another animation film that has taught me so much. (I also highly recommend it.  It was my first assignment when I became a Qigong student.)

When I am overwhelmed I think: what do I have to do NOW. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not next month, but NOW. One day at a time, one thing at this moment is my mantra. It has kept me safe and sound.